


All I Want for Christmas Is You (And you, and you, and you)

by roseinbloom7



Category: Final Fantasy VII Remake (Video Game 2020), Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children, Final Fantasy XII
Genre: Acceptance, Angst, Christmas, Cloud makes me sad, Depression, F/M, Family, Fluff, Holidays, Love, Mental Health Issues, My First Fanfic, Romance, There might be smut?, survivor's guilt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-26
Updated: 2020-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:01:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,288
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28328679
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/roseinbloom7/pseuds/roseinbloom7
Summary: Cloud is having a hard time during the holidays.(Also, thank you queen Mariah for All I Want for Christmas is You. Truly a legend).
Relationships: Tifa Lockhart/Cloud Strife
Comments: 2
Kudos: 16





	All I Want for Christmas Is You (And you, and you, and you)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My poor baby.

Tonight was Christmas Eve, a festivity normally dedicated to family and gift giving, but as Fenrir roared, guiding Cloud around Gaia like an argent chariot, the face of his sweet mother tormented him. The winter air was frigid and even though he was wearing gloves and thermals, the frosty temperature sent chills throughout his bones, allowing his heart and mind to wander to his mother’s special Christmas hot chocolate. He flexed his fingers as he drove, thankful that somehow he was managing to make good time regardless of how his head barely seemed tethered to his body, haunted by his own failures and inadequacies. Cloud could feel the gentle caress of snowflakes as they kissed his eyelashes and the sharp, unrelenting, freezing winds whip his face at a rapid pace as he drove quickly; desperate to outrun his thoughts, and more than that, desperate to get home to his beloved family. 

_Mom_. _Fuck_. He couldn't stop thinking about his mother. 

His young, gentle, slightly immature but well-meaning, heart still longed heavily for his mother… probably always would. He tried to blink away his thoughts, but with every attempt to outrun his past, another memory presented itself, nipping at his heels and causing him to stumble again, and again, and again. She was the person who believed in him the most, fought tirelessly for him when he risked expulsion for stupid mistakes and fights, who didn’t look down on his lowly grunt status regardless of how ashamed he was at his lack of military merit or credentials… and, worst of all… he couldn’t save her… or rather, he wasn’t _good enough_ to save her.

He winced, his internal monologue racing and twisting, moving in directions that he knew he couldn’t control, couldn’t thwart, couldn’t prohibit. He was just too weak. Maybe if he was a SOLDIER, he could have saved her. Maybe if he hadn’t been such a fuck up, maybe if he had been a better son, maybe he could have saved her instead of letting her burn to ash in the childhood home that he had been so _adamant_ to leave behind… it wasn’t a bad home, he could have stayed in Nibelheim, could have worked at the reactor, worked in one of the local stores, could have spent some more time with his mom before she burned alive… could have maybe saved her. He knew his thoughts were spiraling out of control, but as he began to lose it, he felt suffocated by feelings of guilt and anguish. He felt powerless to the insistent feelings of depression that breathed down his neck and lay frozen fingers across his spine. He knew that regardless of how happy he was with Tifa and his children that these feelings weren’t just going to vanish. He knew in his heart that they were going to torment him forever as if tragedy was just etched into his genetic makeup — into his DNA. He bit his lip in despair and cursed himself for not being stronger, better, more stable. He wished he could put into words how deeply he wanted to be normal, to just be happy, to tell Tifa that everything was fine, but the more honest part of himself knew that a person like him would always have to fight to be happy. He gripped onto Fenrir tighter, whipping through the streets at a speed he knew Tifa would be dismayed at, but he couldn’t help it because he knew if he stopped, he’d lose control and break apart.

Why couldn’t he just be a good partner, a good father, a good son, a good friend, a good anything? Why was everything so god damn hard? Why did he leave Tifa? Why did he leave his children? Why did he leave permanent marks on the psyche of his family just because couldn’t handle his own torment? Why did Tifa even let him back into their home? Why did she make love to him, make him his favorite dinners, cuddle up next to him on the sofa, take care of him, love him — why did she even forgive him? Tifa Lockhart had been the girl of his dreams since he was 9 years old. She was the first girl he had ever wanted, the first girl he had ever kissed, made love to, loved… and _fuck_ did he love her… so why did he make her feel inadequate? Why did he make her feel as though she wasn’t enough? _HE_ was the one who wasn’t enough. Stupid, stupid, _stupid_.

 _Stop it, Cloud. Stop._ His subconscious screamed at him, pointing her finger at him like his mother used to do. _Stop_. Then, before he could help himself, before he could stop, hot, stingy, tears trailed down his face as he choked in anguish. He looked down slightly to notice that his hands were shaking. _Fuck_ , he thought. But amidst thoughts of, m _en don’t cry, suck it up, get over yourself, you’re fine_ , he knew that Tifa would kill him if he didn’t pull over. A choke escaped his throat as he thought of Tifa once again. _Tifa_. Tifa would be upset if he didn’t stop to compose himself, didn’t drag himself out of certain danger. Without missing a beat, he whipped Fenrir off the road, pulling himself into a barren area of landscape, and broke. He quickly killed Fenrir’s engine but as soon as he did, he slumped over immediately, falling victim to harsh, loud, sobs. His breathing sped up astronomically, his hands shaking as tears spilled down his cheeks and onto his clean(-ish) clothes.

He missed her, he missed his mom. He thought of the Christmases they spent together. They didn’t have a lot because they were poor, but the things they did have were what mattered the most. He remembered walking into the house after shoveling snow and being transfixed by her Christmas roast, the gentle hints of peppermint that followed her around like a love spell, and the way she would make him her special hot chocolate. He remembered sitting down at the table, unable to stop himself from digging into her delicious cooking before drifting into a lengthy food coma. He remembered that while they never shared expensive gifts, the things she did give him were full of love and meaning; they proved that she unequivocally listened to him and cared about his interests above all else. She bought him books, took him outside to build snowmen, and always made sure that he had enough food to eat and clothes to wear. She was the perfect mom and he didn’t even realize it, didn’t appreciate it enough. He was such a fuck up. He stayed like this for an unmeasurable amount of time, choking on sobs, his breathing accelerating as he sat in the snow, his head tucked into his chin, his knees into his chest. What was wrong with him? Why couldn’t he just be happy? He removed his head from his chin and looked off at Kalm in the distance. He could see the twinkling lights of the season and faintly smell the sweets being cooked in the local bakery. He sighed, wiping his eyes, and wincing at the coldness of his hands before he stood up. He had to get it together. He knew that the longer he sat out here feeling sorry for himself, the longer he would be away from his partner, from his children, from his home… and it was Christmas. “Shit.” He said, dusting the snow off his clothes before mounting Fenrir once again. He turned her on and proceeded to make his way to Kalm, finishing the last of his deliveries before he took a long… _long_ … break.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone! Thank you so, so, much for reading! This is my first fic ever so I hope it's enjoyable (and coherent lol). I think this is going to be a three parter, and the rating is subject to change. Thank you so much for your time!


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